


14 ways to say 'I love you'

by Emptyscastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Background Case, Case Fic, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Declarations Of Love, Drunk Dean Winchester, Drunk Texting, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Music, Pain, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:46:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21633874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emptyscastiel/pseuds/Emptyscastiel
Summary: After a fight Castiel left Dean alone, it was only then that Dean realised how much pain it caused him. While Sam goes on his own hunt leaving Dean in his sorrow, Dean realises how badly he screwed up; and after a night of drinking alone, drunk Dean decides to send a playlist to Castiel that expressed his feelings as words aren't Deans strongest point. It turns out that maybe it was a good idea after all, and that music is a good way to let feelings out.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 7





	1. Realisation

It was when Castiel left that Dean began to realise something, he was lost and alone. Sure he had Sam but Sam was his brother and he’s always had him either way so that didn't count. Castiel was different, Castiel was Deans only friend that ever stuck around, “all his other friends are dead” as Sam would say.

Dean doesn't do feelings, talking about them makes him feel vulnerable and he doesn't like it, he despises it. He wanted to reach out to Castiel but he was too scared to, but would he admit that to himself? That Dean Winchester was scared? No he never would.

It had been a week since Castiel took off. Sam kept trying to contact him but Castiel never replied to any call or text from either brother, not that Dean even tried anyways, he was too scared and didn't know what to say. Sam didn't ask Dean if he had talked to Cas in the past week, Sam already knew that whatever Dean would say to him would be a lie.

Feelings with Sam were not easy to talk about either, but he didnt keep it all caged inside like Dean. If Sam needed to talk and let it out he would. Dean on the other hand would never share anything that was buzzing inside him, he drank it all away and pretended his feelings were non existent. Sam learned that way back, whenever he tried to talk to Dean about how he felt about hell, purgatory or the death of their mother. Dean would just shrug and drink a beer followed by a dozen more and then pass out.

**X**

  
Sam had enough of being cooped up just because Dean was moping around the whole bunker and it was driving Sam crazy. His brother was too stupid to realise that this was all because Cas left them and hasn’t gotten in contact with either one of them. Sam tried to contact Cas and see if he needed help with anything but he got no response. All Sam knew about the Castiel situation is that he took off and wasn’t answering his texts or calls. Sam could see that Dean was not alright, drinking on the job again, acting emotionless and not mentioning the fact that Castiel had left.

Sam walked into the map room already in his gear with a duffel bag on his shoulder, he placed it onto the table and looked at Dean.  
Dean talked first “ Where are you?”  
“I found a case in Missouri and I'm going to take care of it”  
Dean already stood up as Sam finished talking, “great i'm coming with” Dean put his empty bottle of beer next to the others that had been living on their table and started to walk towards the rooms.  
“Dean- No you're not” Sam interrupted  
“Yeah i am, what do you mean?”  
“I'm going solo on this case Dean, you need to take care of yourself. Come on you look and smell like crap Dean, when was the last time you slept in your own bed or even had a shower?” Sam said honestly.  
“It doesn't matter, i'm comin wit-”  
“No Dean, just me on my own. It's an easy hunt i can take care of it. It's just some missing persons cases. I found a pattern that this happens every twenty-five years and I suspect it's some sort of spirit taking vengeance upon locals. I can take care of it” Sam says while Dean looks at him with a frown on his face. Sam already but the duffel bag full of shotguns and other weapons on his shoulder.  
“What if something happens Sammy? What if it's not just some spirit huh? What if it's something far different or-” Sam interrupts Dean. “ I’ve got a back up if I need it. I'm going now” Sam turned around with the duffel swinging on his shoulder, he heard the sound of Deans slippers following him as he started to walk up the metal stairs to the door.  
“Sam hold on a minute let me get ready and we can leave”  
“Dean look at you, you're a mess” Sam said, Dean looked down at himself in his robe that covered his clothes that he’s been sleeping in for several days now. “I can take care of this alright? Look on the bright side, you will have this whole empty buner to yourself for a couple days, a week even” Sam stood in front of the metal door and put his hand on the handle to open it.  
“Just, call okay? I don't need to start worrying” Said Dean, looks like Dean finally accepted that Sam’s going solo.  
“Of Course i will. Hey maybe while you're all alone try to call Cas up, he hasn't answered any calls or texts from me all week and im starting to worry-”  
“Yeah yeah okay bye Sam, don't let the door hit you on the way out” Said Dean while practically pushing Sam out of the door and getting ready to close it shut.

Finally Sam was alone, in a good way. Not cooped up in the bunker with his annoying brother. There is an actual case he has to take care of, but it will be like a holiday. First time in a while that he will hunt without Dean, and it feels strangely good.

**X**

  
Dean couldn't believe it, what the hell just happened? His own brother went on a hunt without him. Dean didn't know if he aggravated Sam or did something to make him go solo hunting. As much as Dean would love to say he is gonna love this, being alone in the bunker without anyone to nag him; he can't. With Sam gone and the fight he and Castiel had, he just can't. But maybe being alone for a week will help him in someway, he can't drive around to ease his nerves nor can he find a case of his own as Sam took the impala and drove off. So Dean did what he was best at, drinking his sorrows away.

[5 hours later]  
Dean had been drinking all day practically, he fell asleep at the two hour mark but he just woke up and was on his way to get some coffee into his system. Dean walked towards the kitchen dragging his feet along making the sound of his slippers echo through the empty halls. He suddenly felt alone again, it didn't feel eerie, it made his insides ache; but he put that thought aside and thought to himself its cause of all the alcohol he drank. He would have to dispose of all the empty bottles cluttered in the map room before Sams return.  
Once in the kitchen Dean looked around for a moment, it felt too empty and cold to be in here. Ignoring that thought he went and made himself some coffee and poured it into one of his mugs. Dean collected different mugs in secret from Sam and anyone else, he knew they would make fun of him for it. But one day Castiel found his mugs and asked about it, Dean didn't want to admit they were his but Cas figured they were as Sam was “more serious”. Dean told Castiel about his mugs and how he liked to collect them as a souvenir from their trips so he could remember, Dean remembers the honest and interested look that Castiel had on his face while he told him this.

Dean ignored all thoughts that had to do with Castiel, he couldn't bare to think about him. Castiel was the one that left him, Dean never wanted that to happen. Sure they had fights, but none of them ever resulted in Cas leaving and ghosting them. It was stupid anyways.

Dean took his mug and sat at the table. He took sips of his coffee in order to try to get rid of the pounding headache he developed, he can only blame himself. Sitting there in silence Dean took his phone out and went to his playlists, he decided to put it on shuffle and the first song that came on was ‘Blaze of glory’ by Bon Jovi. He let that song play while it echoed through the bunkers empty halls. He kept listening to songs on shuffle until nightfall, the last song that he listened to before going to sleep was ‘China White’ by the scorpions, after that he slept in his own bed for the first time in several weeks.

**X**

  
Sam wasn't trying to be mean to Dean, he never tried or wanted to be. But he knew that Dean was not okay even if Dean told him he was, Sam could see through it. Sam spent the day driving out to missouri and when night came he stopped at a motel that was on the highway, paid for one night and was already in bed, well sitting on it under the covers while on his computer.  
Sam was looking more into the odd case he was about to investigate, he was good at research. He just kept going in a loop finding things he already knew, there was a twenty-five year pattern which made it so there was a disappearance every twenty-five years and they were all local people.  
Sam nearly gave up but then he found an article, it was about a body that was fished out of the lake of a missing person that disappeared twenty-five years ago in the same town he was going to investigate. This meant that the spirit that is doing this possibly drowned.  
Knowing that information Sam stayed up past twelve researching trying to dig any drowning from seventy to eighty years ago, maybe this case wasn't going to be so easy after all…

**X**

  
Dean woke up during the afternoon, that was the first time he slept for so long in ages, he can't even remember. Unfortunately there was no one here to make him his morning coffee or breakfast, Cas normally would do that. Dean mentally told his thoughts to shut up and get up.  
He made himself some eggs with come coffee to go along with it; it turned out to be a decent breakfast.

The day turned out to be as boring as the others, Dean would have went out and brought some pie and ate that but no, Sam just had to take his impala for his case. So Dean was stuck inside until further notice, he decided on watching some classics such as: “lost boys”, the whole “Back to the Future” trilogy. A movie he did watch was “Pretty in Pink” he would never watch that around his brother or anyone for that matter, no way could anyone know that the manly Dean Winchester watched a chick-flick. Well there is one person-

 **[1 year ago]**  
Dean was in his “Dean Cave” slouched on his couch that he put in there, which he probably stole. He was watching a movie called “Can’t buy me love”. This was what he classified as a “chick flick”, and he would never admit to any living soul that he enjoyed the crap out of them.  
It was halfway through the movie when he heard some shuffling outside the door, it was silent but he heard it. No way could it have been Sam as he was passed out on his bed after the night he had, and Dean already warned Sam to not step a foot into his cave unless he wanted a bullet hole through his foot. No way was it Castiel as they haven't seen him in a couple days.  
Dean took the TV remote and turned down the volume from the TV just a bit, not a whole amount as he didnt want to seem like he knew someone was outside his door. Dean jumped from surprise when he heard a fluttering of wings behind him on the couch, he took the remote and paused the movie as quickly as he could.  
“Hello Dean” said Castiel from behind him.  
Dean twisted his body around to turn on his back so he could see the angel looking down at him. “Jeez Cas you could have gave a man a heart attack”  
“But i didn't”  
“Yea, not yet you haven't” Dean replied now getting up from his position on the couch to sit down. “Where have you been?” Dean asked.  
“Here and there, it's not important. Replied Castiel as he started to walk over to the other side of the couch with the intention of sitting down. “Yeah? Well are you back now?” Dean asked, kind of hopeful. Castiel sat down on the far side of the couch from Dean and looked at him, his face was being lit up by the TV that was in front of him. “Yes, i think i am” Castiel replied.  
“That's good” Dean replied, they sat there looking at each other for a moment, it wasn't awkward, they did this a lot.  
Castiel turned his head away and looked at the paused TV in front of him. “What is that on the screen”  
“Ughh, its an advert” Dean said , smooth he thought, he will totally buy that you idiot.  
“Why is it paused then?” Asked Castiel  
Dean had no other answer to that, so he was honest. Cas already knew about his mugs and did not judge him then. “Okay, no it's not an advert, it's a movie I was watching” replied Dean.  
“May I continue to watch it with you?” Asked Castiel still facing the TV. “Sure, I mean it's not what I normally watch, if you want, I can change it to another movie”  
“No this is fine”  
“Alright whatever you say”. Dean clicked play on the remote and the TV came to life again, he made himself comfortable again and slouched on the couch, making sure to not invade Cas’s personal space.  
“That is not good for your back” Said Castiel, now looking at Dean.  
“Zip it and watch the movie” Replied Dean. He wasn't trying to be rude, it was a joke, and from the chuckle he earned from Castiel ment that he understood.

 **[Present day]**  
Dean had zoned out while thinking of that memory, he told Cas so much. Dean isn't gonna admit that he misses Castiel, but he feels lonely without him right now.  
The movie had already finished and Dean was now on a mission to get rid of the beer bottles that were practically building up a fort on the map table. With all those bottles he could stock up a bar, that thought made him laugh on the inside and chuckle on the outside. It was pathetic honestly, he was drinking himself to death or to alcohol poisoning. It's one hell of a way to go out he thought to himself.

  
**X**

  
Sam was running on two hours of sleep when it came time to check out of the motel he slept in. He splashed cold water on his face and rubbed his eyes with it to make him look and feel normal, he never did.

Sam approached the check out desk with the duffel already packed in the impala, he walked over to the empty desk and rang the rusty looking bell that was clearly plastered with fake gold chipping off. A woman approached from the back, she had faded black hair that looked grey , she had purple glasses that didn't compliment her face at all and on top of that she was wearing an ugly floral dress that you would see your grandma's curtains made of.  
“Checking in or out young man?” Asked the woman, there was a name tag attached to that terrible floral gown, it said ‘Dianah’.  
“Checking out” said Sam, he sounded tired.  
“Didn't have a good night rest young man?” asked Dianah  
“I’ll be fine” replied Sam, he put his room key on the table in front of Dianah, “Thank you, have a good day” said Sam.  
“You take care young man” replied the woman, Sam was already out the door by then.

Sam found nothing else about the case last night, but he did have some ideas on who he might have to burn in order to stop this. A woman called Elizabeth Douglas, she and her husband Harry Douglas got into a nasty fight which turned into Elizabeth killing him. Long story short she was so full of guilt that she drove out to that lake that the bodys have been turning up at and drowned herself. Sam was positive she's the one behind all this, when he found this out he dug deeper into the missing persons reports and found out that all people were married with no children and were known to fight a lot.

Sam turned the engine on in the impala and heard it roar, Dean always get excited whenever he started her up, even if it was the tenth or hundredth time in a day, he loved his car. One of the cassettes that Dean had in the radio prior started to play, this time it wasn't his usual Led Zeppelin, it was a Guns n’ roses’ cassette, Sam actually enjoyed those, he let it play as he drove closer to the town he was investigating.

**X**

  
With all the beer bottles disposed of Dean was able to take a break, not long after his stomach started to tell him that he was hungry. He could normally just shout for Sam or Castiel to make him something, the majority of those times it was Castiel that made him something, Sam just told Dean to not be lazy and make something.  
Dean remembered the first time he taught Cas how to cook, it wasn't like those romance movies where he stood behind him and touched his hands. It was more messy.

 **[3 years ago]**  
This was the first time Dean asked someone to cook him something, and maybe the last after that happened.  
“I’ll do it!” replied Castiel's voice from down the hall from the map room. When he shouted that Deans eyes widened when he realised that was not Sam who replied. Dean quickly stood up and quickly walked, more like ran towards the kitchen. There stood Cas, he was looking inside the fridge for food to make Dean.  
“Woah there buddy, do you even know how to cook?” asked Dean as he tried to look cool while leaning against the door frame.  
“No i do not” Said Castiel, as he closed the fridge door and looked at Dean. “so why did you offer to make me food then?” asked Dean.  
“Because i thought you would appreciate the gesture, and Sam is clearly not going to do it”  
Dean thought he was going to fall from his position when Cas said that he didn't want to seem like a schoolgirl getting excited over a guy even breathing in her direction, but he must admit it was nice of Cas to think of him.  
“Well do you want me to teach you then?” Asked Dean  
“Yes i think it would be best, i would appreciate it for the next time” Castiel nodded.  
Next time Dean thought, Cas wanted to do this again. “Alright let's teach you how to fry eggs then” said Dean as he walked over to the fridge and opened the door to take out a singular egg. “Here hold this, don't drop it” Dean handed Cas the singular egg. Castiel took the egg and stood there as Dean walked around him to get a pan and oil from the cupboards.  
“Let's get started shall we” said Dean

“So I crack an egg onto here” said Castiel.  
The oil was heating up and Dean was trying to get Cas to crack the damned egg so it would cook. “Yes thats what ive been saying several times now Cas”  
“I heard, but how”  
“Should I just do it?” asked Dean  
Castiel hesitated for a moment “no i wanted to make it for you, I can't allow you to make it all yourself”  
“Cas let me crack the egg and then you can take it out okay? Come on the oil is getting hotter”  
“So you crack this egg into the pan and then i have the task of taking it out?”  
“Yes dammit give me the egg”  
Finally Castiel handed over the egg to Dean, the egg felt warm from being held in Castiel's hand for so long. Dean tapped the egg on the side of the pan several times until he was able to crack it, he took the shell apart while hovering over the hot pan and let the inside of the egg drop into the pan. “See wasn't so hard was it Cas?” said Dean as he held the broken egg in his hands trying not to get the leftover over egg white on himself.  
“Yes, seeing it done it seems so simple now. May i discard of the shell?” Said Castiel as he looked at the broken egg shell in Dean's hands.  
“Oh yea take it,” said Dean holding his hands out so Castiel would take the shell. Castiel reached over and took both halves of the shell from Dean's hands and Dean got a paper towel and wiped the egg residue off his hands.

The egg was starting to sizzle in the oil, “Oh Cas get the salt and pepper and add them to the egg” said Dean, Dean stood to the side now watching Castiel get the salt and pepper from the draws. “Now don't add too much alright” said Dean, he didn't want his egg to be salty. Castiel nodded and then tipped the salt so it would fall onto the egg, Dean realised that Cas was still pouring salt onto that egg as it he was trying to protect it against demons. “Woah there that's enough,” said Dean stepping closer to the stove, Castiel looked at him and stopped pouring the salt. “I didn't intend to add so much, i apologise”  
“Its alright buddy” said Dean “ anyways it's time to take the egg out” Dean took a spatula from one of the draws and handed it in Castiel's direction “here, use it to go under the egg and try to lift it” as Dean said this he turned around to grab a plate from a cupboard behind him. When Dean turned around with the plate in his hand he saw that Castiel had the spatula underneath the egg, that was good, but the yoak had exploded and was dripping all over. “Dean the egg exploded”  
“Yeah i see that” replied Dean as he set the plate down on the counter, “here let me flip it over” Castiel nearly let the spatula fall on the floor but Dean grabbed it quick enough. Dean didn't comment on that, he flipped the egg onto the other side and let it sizzle a bit more.  
“Here now try ,” said Dean as he handed the spatula back to Castiel. Dean heald it for long enough until Castiel was holding the spatula.

“Okay easy now, try not to drop it alright?” said Dean as he moved the plate closer to Castiel and the egg that he now had on the spatula and off the pan, “awesome just place it down here”  
Castiel moved to the place Dean was standing at and Dean moved to where Castiel once was so he could turn the stove off now.  
To Deans surprise Castiel actually put the egg down onto the plate without destroying it somehow. “Awesome job there Cas” said Dean  
“I don't think it was ‘awesome’” said Castiel  
“Nah for your first time it's good” Dean said as he took the pan off and walked over to the sink to wash it. Well he placed it into the sink and let the water run over the hot oil.  
“Will you try it?” asked Castiel. Of Course Dean was going to eat that salty egg that Cas made for him, even if he won't enjoy it he will but a satisfied face on so it would make him happy. Castiel was holding the plate out for Dean to take, he was already holding a knife and fork for him too.  
“Hell yea i will try it”. Dean took the plate and took both the knife and fork out from Castiel and he leaned against a counter top opposite him. He put the knife down and used his from to cut halfway through the egg, it made the orange yolk come out again spilling onto his plate. Dean stabbed his fork through the side of the egg that was closest to him. At Least it was cooked and seasoned. He put the piece of egg into his mouth and nearly gagged when he tasted all that salt, luckily he only coughed a bit.  
“Damn Cas i bet no demon would be able to touch this egg with all that salt you added” Dean jokes laughing a bit while trying to just swallow the egg. “ I apologise for adding too much, i will improve for next time” said Castiel, he didn't sound sad at all.

 **[Present day]**  
Dean was staring into the fridge until the light started to flicker, he zoned out again. He picked up an egg ad decided to fry it. After frying his egg he sat down in his seat that he reserved at the table and ate his egg in silence until it got ubarable, He took his phone out and put his playlist to shuffle again, this time the first sing that came on was “House of Cards” by the scorpions. He let his playlist forget about his emotions yet again

**X**

  
Sam arrived in the town in Missouri, It was five in the afternoon when he arrived and he was honestly hungry and craving something to eat, He decided to stop by a diner first.  
It was a small cozy looking diner, nothing special compared to the thousands he’s been at before. He took a seat at the counter and looked at the menu for anything worthy of eating, there were tons of burgers that Dean would be excited about if he was here right now. Sam finally spotted a nice looking meal and decided to order. He waved his hand towards a waitress and she came over.  
She had a pink uniform on and a white appreon tied around her waist. Her name tag said ‘Stephanie’.  
“Hey honeybunch what can i get you” she said with a nice smile and a notepad and pen ready in her hands.  
“Yea, could i get the roasted sweet potatoes with the salad on the side. Please” Said Sam trying to be polite to the girl, she looked and seemed young, maybe in her early twenties, she had blonde hair tied in a ponytail which was clearly not natural.  
“Sure thing, will be ready in fifteen minutes” She said as she walked away to another customer waving their hand at her. Sam nodded in response and watched her walk away. Sam had forgotten to text Dean and update him on where he was at, he should do that. Sam took his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, he sent Dean a quick text updating him on his whereabouts.

**Sam: In Missouri**

Sam debated on texting Cas and telling him that if he was close he could work the case with him, but Sam already knew deep inside that Castiel was not going to reply if he tried. Sams phone vibrated with a text message.

 **Dean: in the bunke** r

Sam laughed quietly to himself, of course he was in the bunker. Stephanie came back with Sams plate of food.  
“Here you are” She put the plate down followed by a knife and fork “would ya like something to drink with that?” she asked.  
“Yes please, water” Said Sam.  
“Coming right up” Replied Stephanie as she got Sam a tall glass of fresh water. “Thank you” said Sam.  
“It's no problem” she said moving onto another customer.  
Sam was the one that was polite, Dean was too but Sam had to remind him of a majority of the time to say ‘thank you’ and ‘please’. Sam finally got some good food into his system, better than Deans cooking.

**X**

  
Dean didn't know what to do for the night, repeat what happened last? Sit alone watch chick-flicks until he has seen them all? A better plan came to mind, get drunk while watching chick-flicks, bingo.  
So Dean spent his night watching chick-flicks and drinking beer until he couldn't count how many he drank. It was his last movie for the night, it was “she’s all that”. Near the end of the movie Dean nearly cried, it didn't make him sad, it made him lonely.  
Dean ran a hand over his face while trying to get his eyes to focus, “That's enough. That's. That's enough” he repeated to himself as the end credits played.  
Dean was an emotional wreck, he could admit that now. He couldn't remember the last time he felt loved by someone other than his family. It made him feel sad and hollow inside like something was missing, which it was.

He missed Castiel, he missed having that stupid angel around that put a smile on his face and that cooked him salty eggs and watched chick-flicks with him. Dean would never admit he was sorry, he would never admit that he missed him either. Dean hadn't tried to contact Cas at all since he left, Dean regretted the words he said afterwards, but he couldn't stop him. So did what Dean knew best, he made a playlist. That was how Dean Winchester apologises, to certain people, only Cas.


	2. Purple Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam makes some progress on his case in Missouri. Dean spends a day to himself still feeling sorry for himself, and he realises he misses Cas.

So Dean shouldn't be allowed to get drunk and watch chick-flicks late at night while alone. That's what he learned last night when he ended up texting Cas.

**[1:45am]**

**Dean: Why you not answering us cas**

**[1:46am]**

**Dean: cas**

**[1:48am]**

**Dean: you're not dead are you**

**[1:49]**

**Dean: I hope the hell not**

**[2:00am]**

**Dean: i made you something**

**[2:03am]**

**Dean: listen to each one day by day, not at once**

***DEAN SHARED A LINK***

Dean had fallen asleep on the couch in his “Dean cave”, he was surrounded by empty beer bottles and had his hand gripping his phone tightly. When he looked at the time it was 1pm, he slept for a while, maybe ten hours even. He had no messages from anyone, not that anyone except Sam or Cas text him. But he checked them anyways, that's when he found his drunken messages he sent to Cas. Looking at the messages made him seem desperate, why was he so stupid? Well there was no backing out now, the message was sent and it would seem suspicious if he just deleted them now. He didn't even remember making a playlist, he’d never made one for anyone, not even Sam. 

He couldn't believe how stupid he was, he sounded desperate and broken and he didn't want to seem like that. He shut his phone off and shoved it in his pocket and stood up, he nearly slipped on a beer bottle that was right next to his foot as he stood up, luckily he didn't slip and fall. Not today.

Dean was hungry, he could have brunch? It was past breakfast time and already lunchtime. He needed food inside of him, but he didn't feel like making anything. These moments he wished they had someone else in the bunker that never left and could cook and clean, not a maid though. Neither Sam or he really bothered with cooking or cleaning, it was mostly hunting, researching and sleeping whenever they were around the bunker. It was Castiel who cleaned and cooked more than the brothers, he didn't have to, they never asked him but he did it anyways. 

**X**

Sam had actually slept that night, not much but it was better than the previous night. The food he had at the small diner he visited yesterday was good, he wanted to go again. Maybe this trip did seem like a vacation to him, but he had to prioritise the case here. He needs to dig more into Elizabeth Douglas and find out where the hell she was buried, if she even was at all. That might be the hardest part of the case if she wasn't, then Sam is “screwed” as Dean would say.

Sam did not focus on the negative side for now, it was 8am and he got ready for a morning run. He hadn’t gone out for one for weeks now, this could also be a good opportunity for him to look around the neighbourhood of the small town. Maybe he would even stop by the diner…

Sams run was ordinary, just like all his other ones. He passed some buildings he drove past while he was on his way to his motel last night. The town wasn't modern nor was it old. It was in the middle, it was outdated but not old looking. Sam passed some flower shops, grocery shops and even a farmers market, that got Sams attention. This was a rare opportunity for Sam, Dean always hated fruits and vegetables. Hate it too strong of a word, he despised them and farmers markets. Sam on the other hand, he loves them. He was just walking around with a brown paper bag that he started to fill with some fruits when he saw his waitress from the diner, Stephanie was it? He decided to walk over and say hello, he wanted to seem as normal as he could be.

“Hey there, Stephanie was it?” said Sam. Stephanie turned around with her hands holding her own paper bag. “Oh hey, you're the guy i served last night” she said, she was trying to be friendly, Sam could do friendly too.

“Yea, just thought i would come over and say hello” Sam smiled. Stephanie smiled back “I didn't get your name,” she said.

Sam debated on whether he should give a fake name or his real one, sure he could say his name was Sam and not say his last name. “Its Sam” he replied.

“So Sam, what are you doing here? Following me?” she chuckled, Sam huffed a laugh back “I was on a morning run and saw the market and decided to take a look, I rarely get the chance”

“How nice” she said, Stephanie turned back around and started inspecting the carrots that were in front of her. Sam decided it was a good idea to also look at the vegetables as he didn't want to seem like a “weirdo”.

“You gonna come by the diner later today Sam?” asked Stephanie while still looking at the carrots. “I guess so, got nowhere else to go today really,” Sam replied. That was sort of a lie, he had to go to the police station today and introduce himself as a detective on the missings persons case, then he would just sit in his motel doing more research probably. 

“We have a special soup today, you should come and get some before it's gone. The locals love it” She said. “Might do” Sam said. Stephanie was now picking up carrots to put into her brown bag, Sam still hasn't picked anything up in his. “I’ll see you around Sam” Stephanie said as she paid the man for her carrots and walked off. Sam didn't say “goodbye” or “see you around”, he just smiled even though she was already walking off. 

Sam decided on buying some apples and some grapes and with that he was going back to his motel. Today's plan was to go to the station and find out information about the missing person that wasn't already in the media, he also wanted to see the body so stopping by the morgue would be a good plan. 

Sam sat at his table that was in his room and ate his apple and grape, he had all his research in front of him and way about to head to the station. He packed a basic black suit with him and had already displayed it on his bed so he could dress into it once ready. He didn't find anything new so he decided it was time that he headed to the station, he got dressed into the suit and made sure he had a badge already inside, seeing as he already said his name was Sam to someone he tried to find a badge with the name Sam on it. He found a badge. Sam Creed.

**X**

Dean was back moping around the bunker again, he actually changed out of his jeans and flannel so he wouldn't feel restricted today. He was again listening to music as it was just too quiet and he hated it. The song “all my love” by Led Zeppelin was playing now, it was a good song, totally didn't make him feel something inside as he listened to it.

Dean was now in the library, he wanted to find something non hunter related to read, but there was nothing. Maybe he should go out into the town and buy some books for himself to read. He hadn't read in years, he missed it. He remembered enjoying horror books or books about the supernatural, it was like another world but the same in a way. He knew that these monsters were real, but the ones created in fictional books weren't. It made him feel at ease. 

Dean finally decided to stop sulking around the library and decided to go out to buy some books, with no luck finding any book that didn't have a ‘Men of letters’ stamp on it he gave up. Maybe he could walk into town? No he didn't have enough patience for that. 

They did have a garage full of bikes in there, but he had never ridden a bike before. He was tempted to steal one of the bikes, well it's not stealing if he technically owned them. But he decided against it, maybe a walk would help clear his thoughts, sure. Dean wasn't much of a walker, no he wasn't a walker at all. But maybe this will get his mind of him- Yes this walk is exactly what he needs. 

Dean changed into some ‘normal’ clothes which were just some jeans, a plain shirt, flannel, jacket and boots. Good enough for him. 

There was a problem Dean had no idea where the nearest book store was at. He decided to go on his phone and looked up bookstores near him. The nearest one was a twenty minute walk, yea he can walk, he walked for longer than that when he came out of hell, That is still a tender subject to him and he hated thinking about it, or talking about it. The only good that came out of that was Cas, meeting Cas. 

  
  


**X**

Sam parked the impala in front of the police station. He drove in silence, it wasn't far just under a ten minute drive. He had the documents he needed on the seat next to him. Sam grabbed the document file and stepped out of the impala making sure to lock the door behind him, Dean would be mega pissed if anyone got a scratch on his beloved car. 

Sam walked over to the main door and pushed it open, there were already some people sitting on the seats, Sam guessed they were locals that were in need of the sheriff. Sam had much bigger problems than anyone in the room so he ignored the looks he got from the people looking at the man that was wearing a suit, Sam walked over to the main counter where there sat a young officer, there was a name tag ‘Andy’.

The young officer looked up from his computer and instantly sat up straight, “Hello sir, how may I help you” Said Andy.

Sam but his documents onto the desk and started to talk, “I need to speak to the sheriff in regards of the missing person's case” Said Sam, he sounded serious and like he had no time.

“Yea so do all the other people here buddy-”

“Its Agent Creed, im FBI”, this was the moment where Sam took his badge out and showed it to the young officer. The younger officer looked at Sam differently now, like he knew he messed up.

“Uhh- right come this way Agent, the sheriff is in his office talking with the mother of the deceased. Its tragic really.” Andy was talking to Sam now as he lead in the direction of the office that said shaffir, Sam had his documents tucked into his under his arm and walked in silence as Andy kept talking. “I knew the guy went to high school together, he married his highschool sweetheart and everyone thought they were perfect, until you know-” Andy kept on talking until they reached the sheriff's office that was hidden with blinds. 

Andy reached over and knocked on the door, there was a muffled sound that sounded like a “come in”, Andy pushed the door open to reveal the sheriff sitting at the table and a crying woman in front of him. She had a tissue already in her hands and was trying to wipe the endless tears from her eyes. 

“Sheriff, there is an Agent here to see you.” Andy's voice wasn't as confident as it was while on their walk to the office.

“Boy can't you see I'm here with Daniels mother?”

Daniel was the name of the man that was found dead in the lake, that must be his mother. She had dirty blonde hair tied up into a pathetic looking bun, she had a faded blue sweater over her and her handbag was hanging from the side of the chair. Sam stepped closer to the doorway and once he was in view the sheriff stood up. He was an old man, grey nearly white hair with a bald spot on top of his head, he had a thick white mustache that needed trimming and his uniform was brown. 

“Sorry Agent, could we do this another time?” said the sheriff. Sam had no time for this, he was doing his job. 

“Excuse me” me moved Andy to the side and was now inside the office “I drove here all the way from Kansas and am here because of the case you were discussing. I would appreciate it if we could discuss it as soon as possible sheriff” Sam said sternly. The woman was looking in Sams direction now and the sheriff had a stone look on his face. Sam didn't try to sound rude or mean, but he had work to do.

“I-I feel like I should get going anyways” said the woman in the chair, she stood up and took her brown bag with her “Thank you for your time sheriff, I apologise for the hold up Agent” she said as the was standing up and walking into the direction of the door, Sam moved aside to let her pass and watched as she left.

“Well i guess you can sit down now” Said the sheriff.

“Its Agent Creed, Samuel Creed” Said Sam as he straightened his suit jacket and took a seat in the chair once occupied by the crying woman.

“Andy close the door” Said the sheriff. Andy did as he was told and Sam heard a click from the door being closed behind him. 

“So Agent, what are we talking about”

**X**

This was the first and only time Dean would do this, he hates walking. There he stood outside the bookshop, there was a sign that said “On a Break!”. Dean was pissed when he saw this, like come on this is meant to be a business right? Keep your damned store open then. 

What was he supposed to do now? Dean walked for half an hour and it was closed, he could sit in the park like an idiot waiting for it to open. But Dean decided to walk up and down the street and maybe he would find somewhere else to go in, indeed he did. Now he stood in front of an antique store, he's been to plenty of those while hunting, but he hasn't been in this one before. He stepped on in and the door activated the bell above it rang, no employee came to greet Dean as he stood in the doorway, he decided he liked this place already.

There was nothing special about this place, it was cramped with old items filling each corner; bikes, shelves, clocks, frames- that intrigued Dean. Maybe he could get some frames for his room and put the photos he has been hiding away in them.. Dean decided it was a good idea, he ended up browsing through all the different frames, none of them matched one another. Dean ended up buying five photo frames, he walked out with a plastic bag and five new frames for decorating. He still felt a deep feeling inside that wouldn't leave him alone.Dean decided to see if that book shop was open, it was.

Dean ended up returning back to the bunker with two more bags, these were filled with books. Now he would have something to do instead of rewatching movies over and over until he knew them by heart. He now decided he needed a book shelf for them, or maybe he would steal one of the spare rooms and make it his own personal library in the meanwhile. Deciding that his books could wait he left the bags with books on the map table as he walked in and carried the other bag with his frames in the direction of his room. 

Dean had never had a room before, his own room. Sure he had one as a kid but that doesn't count. He never had his own room that he could call his own, nor did he have a door he could slam while he was a teenager. So the bunker was a blessing, with endless bedrooms and plenty of space inside, it was the first time Dean felt at home somewhere. The musty motels he stayed at as a child weren’t home, they didn't make him feel at home.

With that thought Dean set the bag onto his mattress carefully, he now went to find the photos he had been hiding for years now. He found them, some had Sam, Bobby and him, even one of his mother and him, family photos. While he was framing his photos in the new frames he brought he realised, none of them had Cas in them.

**X**

Sam and the sheriff were talking for so long that they both missed their lunch and it was dinner time now.

“Alright Agent Creed, if there is anything else you need help with just stop by and I will make time” Said the sheriff as he stood up and held his hand out so Sam would shake it. “Thank you for your help sheriff” Sam nodded and took the sheriffs hand and shook it, he let go and the sheriff nodded back. 

There had only been one body out of the three that were discovered. The other two bodies of the missing people were not found, even though the lake was searched several times, it's as if they disappeared into the water. Daniel Hines body was the only one that made it out of that lake, and that's what started the case up. Sam decided that he could pay a visit to Daniels wife, widow, and ask her some questions. But maybe it was too early, or late in the afternoon that he decided against it. He was also meant to go to the morgue but it was already closed, maybe the next day. 

A thought came to Sam as he sat in the impala with his document folder being even more stuffed with sheets of paper than before, he could visit the diner. Sam remembered Stephanie telling him to stop by for some soup, he was hungry so why not? 

Sam ended up in front of the diner again, he didn't bother to change out of his FBI suit, he wouldn't be surprised if the news got out that the FBI is in town, this was a small town afterall. Maybe it would get him some free dessert on the house.

Of Course when Sam walked through the door, some people were already looking at him funny, Sam unbuttoned his suit jacket and loosened his tie around his neck, sitting in a suit for several hours can get uncomfortable. Seeing that his seat from yesterday was free, he took a seat at the counter again. Within moments Stephanie was back. “Hey sunshine what is it today?” she asked with a happy voice. 

“How about that soup” said Sam, he hoped he wasn't too late and there was at least some left. 

“You’re in luck, saved ya some” said Stephanie.

“Great, could i get that with some water?” asked Sam, he would have preferred beer but this is a diner so he didn't think they would be serving any. “Well i don't think water is what you're after, beer maybe?” said Stephanie. It's as if she read Sam's mind, he hoped she hadn't. “That would be much better” Sam smiled.

“Yea i thought so” She replied., she walked to the back where Sam suspected that's where the kitchen was. Sam should probably update Dean on his case, well nothing really interesting happened apart from Sam talking to the sheriff and missing his lunch. Before Sam could deepen himself into his thoughts Stephanie came over with a bowl of soup and a bottle of beer in the other. Sam looked up and smiled as he saw the soup, it had been a long time since he had any decent food, and if Stephanie kept being good to him he might come here daily. 

“Here we are” she placed the bowl in front of Sam and put the bottle down afterwards “this is some of the best butternut squash soup you will ever taste” she said, pleased with herself. The beer bottle was still sealed, Stephanie opened a drawer and took out a beer bottle opener and handed it to Sam “mind opening it while i get you a spoon?” she asked. Sam didn't answer verbally, but he took the bottle opener from her and she went to the kitchen once again for a spoon. Sam took the bottle opener and opened the bottle, he tried to make it as quiet as possible so that no one would pay attention to him and ask ‘why is an FBI agent drinking on the job?’.Sam could care less, and luckily when he opened the beer it opened quickly and smoothly, no noise. He took a sip of his beer and Stephanie came over again, “drinking already?” she asked, Sam nodded. 

“Here is your spoon Agent, have a good meal,” she said, she put the spoon down on a napkin and walked away again. Maybe the news spread faster than he thought, jeez he feels like a celebrity.

**X**

Dean decided to make his own personal library in his “Dean cave” instead of some empty room in the bunker. There was luckily some space underneath his TV that he hung on the wall. He gained nearly two-dozen books, some were fantasy, some horror, hell some even romance but he hid those. Dean sat down on his couch and slouched over, he kicked his boots off and let his eyes close, he wanted to relax. He had the whole place to himself and he hasn't even done anything exciting. He spent two days, nearly three moping around feeling all emotional.

He should take a nap, that sounds good. But what doesn't sound good is the sound his stomach is making, he’d forgotten to eat.

Dean ended up in the kitchen roaming through the fridge trying to find something decent to eat, he saw some eggs which reminded him of the time Cas made him that salty egg. Dean smiled sadly, he was an idiot and he regretted the fight with Cas. But he didn't regret what he said, he had a point about what he said.

**[Three weeks ago]**

Dean and Castiel were having an argument after a hunt, a hunt where Cas nearly got killed. Sam was already in his room not wanting to hear their shouts.

“Dammit Cas you’re not listening to me!” Dean shouted

“No Dean it's you who is not listening to me, why can’t you understand!?” Castiel shouted back

“I don't understand? Really? Coming from the guy that was going to die just a couple hours ago!”

“Dean im fine”

“Dammit Cas no you’re not” Dean's voice was becoming less harsh. “Dean, why can't you understand, I am an angel and it's much harder to kill me than that”

“But if you weren't an angel Cas huh? You would have died several times now. You’re reckless”

Dean blew it, that's what set Cas off, “I'm reckless? That's rich coming from you Dean”

**[Present day]**

Dean sat alone at the kitchen table yet again, he made himself a sandwich. He didn't feel hungry anymore, he stood up and picked the plate up, he put it in the fridge and left the kitchen. Sometimes Dean wished he would lose his soul like Sam did, then he wouldnt feel so much and things would be easier. 

Dean didn't want to be in the bunker, every inch would just be a memory that he didn't want to think about, so he went outside. It was dark outside, maybe 8pm, there were trees surrounding his view so he ended up climbing up the hill that was up the path, he should build a bench there. It would be nice for times like this. Maybe he could bring Cas up here when he is back, “dammit Dean you idiot stop thinking about it,” Dean said to himself as he kept walking up the hill. When he got up to the top he sat down, he sat down and looked up at the sky, it's funny as we all look up at the same sky and see the same stars, Dean wondered if Cas was seeing this too. Wherever he was.

**X**

Castiel took off after that fight he and Dean had, he couldn't believe that after all this time Dean still thought he was weak. It angered him and he needed some time alone, away from both brothers. As much as Castiel wanted to reply to Sam, he knew that it was best if he didnt. Deep down he knew he needed to be away from both of them for a while, or until things cooled off.

Castiel decided to stay at a motel in Iowa, it was far enough from the bunker, but not too far that he felt like he was away from home. The bunker did feel like a home to him, and he found it to be a home. But sometimes the brothers got on his nerves. Castiel would cook and clean for them, and what did he get in response? Jack squat.

Last night, well this morning Castiel got a text. To his surprise it wasn't from Sam, but from Dean. Castiel was hesitant at first knowing that the only way that Dean would text him was if he was intoxicated, or if Sam stole his phone. He was correct, Dean was intoxicated. Castiel watched as messages kept coming through as he sat at the table of the small motel room he was staying at. He wanted to reply, but he forced himself not to. He didn't want to give in and reply to Dean. 

But the most interesting text came through at the end, it was a link. Castiel clicked it, it was a music playlist called “For Cassss”. A text before that instructed him to listen to one song per day, and another song the other. So Castiel clicked the first song and it started to play, the soft sounds of a guitar started, then the singing.

**“I never meant to cause you any sorrow**

**I never meant to cause you any pain”**

He replayed that song until daylight came looming over the curtains he had closed.

**“I never wanted to be your weekend lover**

**I only wanted to be some kind of friend”**

**X**

That night Sam was the only one to have slept decently, Dean was left staring at the ceiling, Cas was listening to purple rain again. Both Dean and Castiel felt it, they felt that ache, that painful feeling. They missed each other, but neither one was willing to say it first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! im still writing so dont think ive died. Its the holidays soon but i've got a nearly 3 week holiday away from school work so im going to try to write as much as i can and update as much as i can. I hope that this is a decent chapter and that you enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! i hope that this chapter was enjoyable, i will be updating every time i get two of three chapters written so i have a lot to work with. At the end i may make a playlist of the actual songs used, but i recommend whenever a song comes up that you listen to it. Hope you enjoyed! leave a kudos :)


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